Satya: Truth-fullness (A closer look at me)

Satya -सत्य-  Truthfulness. To be seen as you truly are. Can we do this?

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Can we for even one day be seen as we truly are? I thought about it this morning, as I checked my eyebrows for hairs that didn’t belong. No we cannot was the answer as I put a little concealer on a dark spot and blush on my cheeks. I am not exactly changing who I am but these bathroom habits are definitely NOT in line with Satya. The practice of “being seen” as I truly am. Instead, I am covering up that which I find undesirable, or that which you have presented to me as a society as undesirable, and so on. 

But my words are surely truth, right? Can I say what I truly behold within and nothing more? Do we say everything we mean?

The truth hurts, but forgiveness heals. So here goes, My Truth:

 About a year ago I had a very special man visit me. It wasn’t the first time I would see him, but this wasn’t a usual visit either. He was my boyfriend, and up until that time we were in a long-distance relationship. With him in the states, there was something very special in order: marriage. I say marriage because it wasn’t a wedding either of us were after. We just needed paperwork, well me in particular as I was going to go back to his country to live long term with him. It seemed silly that we had to do this a second time. {Yes, the first time we had tried to get married was in France about six months earlier. I wasn’t getting anywhere so I left without a marriage or a boyfriend.}

So here we were, starting anew, certain of the steps needed to begin our life together. It was six months and it happened so fast. Before I could tell you why – I was experiencing his anger, we were fighting, there was sadness, bitterness, uncertainty, and so much insecurity. It was deja vu, only worse because this time, the stakes were so much higher. This was my home, I couldn’t leave. This was his second chance, why would he do this, twice? A serious upset about a ring that I never received. He didn’t want to talk about it with me. He didn’t want to talk about anything with me, really. It seems silly to have such build-up seeing that we were both in agreement just six months prior and knew our timeline.

In the interim, I told some people my life’s plans, not here of course, as there was nothing really going on here. This was just a place of limbo where he and I figured out how many papers we needed to sign and where we needed to sign them. The real juicy part that I loved sharing was our plan for once we returned overseas. These lovely people– my friends– my family were overjoyed at my prospective future. This bright union I was creating and even though he and I weren’t exactly loving with one another, I believed in us. But, then it happened. I broke our silence. I had to know what was going on. It wasn’t happening. I knew the answer, but I didn’t have the why. I didn’t get that either. He still to this day would tell you or anyone how much he loves me and wants to be with me, but just wasn’t ready, just wasn’t comfortable and has no idea what he needs to get to that comfort level.  

I didn’t and I don’t know what to say to this. How can one respond?  I don’t think he should get married if he thinks of himself as solitary man, and he did say this to me once. I agree that it’s quite unnatural for humans to want to marry one person and stay with that person forever, forcing them to submit to monogamy, simply because monogamy can only exist mutually. I do think that marriage is antiquated, useless even, a piece of paper, but I also loved him and if I wanted to be in his country with no problems building my life with him, I needed him to marry me. I needed him to want to marry me as much as I wanted to be in his life. We were committing to the same thing, except not exactly, except not at all. I couldn’t make him walk or talk. He didn’t understand everything he was going through leaving it utterly impossible to relay to me.

We discussed our change of plans about a week before our actual city hall date. My friends and family had already thrown me little get togethers and had given little gifts and were talking about it everyday. I didn’t know what to tell them, so I didn’t. It never occurred to me that, they didn’t need to know. They did (need to know.)  But I wasn’t going to be there for very long. I didn’t see these people in the kind of setting that lent itself to a sit down and chat. I was leaving the state, regardless that I wasn’t going overseas. They deserve(d) to know. They made so many of those horribly sad days bearable. They are the reason I didn’t fall apart like a wet paper bag. They believed in me, albeit the lying me, but this is what held the broken-hearted me in one piece. Today, I ask them for forgiveness.satya image 2

There is no greater way to hurt your connection to others than lying. AND I was a BIG FAT LIAR. Never try to impress others with deception.                                                                              Try to impress yourself and find happiness within you.

 

 

#yama #truthfullness #satya #getfitwithtiff #mindbodyexchange #honesty

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