Life is Fucking Hard.

Life is fucking hard. I curse a lot when I get frustrated. Come to think about it, I just curse a lot. Yes, from time to time, I too am a wretched individual who is sick of all the bullshit. But, I try to stay as positive as I can. I help others feel good about themselves and get connected to their higher self, their ultimate vibration. Yes, I say weird trippy shit like vibration unabashedly. Seeing others feel good in the life they live shines light on mine.

January in to February has been really fucking hard. I am here to say that there is one thing that I am aware of now that I was never aware of before: I am a self-torturer. I am the kind of person who continually makes things harder for myself. There’s no reason that comes to mind, and it isn’t in just one area of my life. I continually step away from what is easy and go for what is more difficult. Why?! In moving back to NYC, there was no real reason that I needed to get out of what was a great thing in Colorado, other than I was living a lie (more on that later) and oh also I am not really into mountain living. If we could pick and choose the pieces of things that we like and create an alternate reality…. Is this insane? Am I insane?  No, I would do this with people too if I could. But the harder lesson here is to accept things as they are and not wish for them as you want them to be. blah blah blah.

So, back in the Bronx and transitioning through what was a step in an undesirable direction, I decided to take on a video challenge. Yay! A video challenge, idiot. Right in the middle of all other things challenging. I thankfully have a set up here with gma. Me and Fabes living on the second floor, but that too is a difficult task as people in their 70’s have lived a long time. They don’t wanna hear positivity. They don’t wanna smile, eat healthy, listen to what you are feeling, etc. They only wanna do things as they have always done them and get their hair did. I quickly bought myself some wheels and sure I’ve been lucky. I got a great deal, a great car, and reconnected with a great friend, also my mechanic, and he helps me with all of that which I don’t understand vehicle.

As of January, I had only been in NYC for two months and was not looking for work or a way to stay here, but only one of many possible ways out, out to another state, out to another country, out with friends, out out out. This is the hard lesson of attachment and resisting. I was attached to something else, and resisting all that was right in front of me. You do not get what you want, you get what you need. There are things that I need to understand, once and for all, to make an everlasting and impactful change to my behavior and patterned thinking. My life for fuck’s sake. If I want to have a great life, I have to be a great person, not get what I want when I want it.

On the technical and specific details of this day to day video challenge, site-building experience… I decided to get a new phone, a non-iphone. This was wise as I cannot support the notion of being an Apple Consumer anymore. They do not give a shit about me or you, and they continue to make shady business decisions and little “fuck-you’s” that psychologically turn me off. I don’t want an adapter for my headphones, asshole. Headphones have worked since I was born. You get that, more than thirty four fucking years and now you wanna go and change them, but not because they are slipping some tongue into my ear making me feel good, no.. You just want me to carry around yet another piece of wiring so that your product remains different. I don’t need your products to feel different. Thanks though. Also, your software upgrades are horrific: not only are you changing things just to change them. {Since when did I need the camera on the right and how many times can you change the interface when someone opens their phone.} Life is hectic enough. I would like some constancy with my device, but also you are transforming phones that have been purchased with good money and not too long ago into useless paperweights. But so what does this mean, I switched to the Google Pixel, BUT again Apple (now my macbook pro) makes the communication between the two so goddam difficult. So, I have begun a thirty day video challenge where I am sharing my life with you, as I live it— whatever comes my way, but with an added Ninja-warrior like obstacle in the form of technology stopping me from getting the actual videos to you. Why do you need them? Why do you care? I am trying to do something great that is why. Art is the highest form of faith & Art is a way of living.

Friends make the days go by easy. Yea, they sure do. Laughter that makes a face burn and tummy cramp are seriously things I live for. I have a handful of friends that are here that I see, many more that I do not see, and even more than are not within physical reach. I miss them all terribly. I recently lost contact with a very good friend, she’s here in NYC and probably the oldest and longest running friendship I have or had. But, time changes us, people we know change, and this is also a constant part of life. I also had to cease contact with two other people, because of an un-matched want and needs between the two of us. This change is also what makes the day go by easy and something we have to accept and move on. Stay committed to your decisions. Missing the essence of someone does not mean that they need to be back in your life. You cannot please yourself and everyone around you. Popularity is over-rated. Pay more attention to those that love you and care about what you are doing, those that remember the things you tell them, the people that reach out to you right at the moment you needed to be reached and/or were thinking about them even if you told them not to call you, even if you were trying to stay in darkness under that perfectly placed rock you put over your eyes. You can only feel human and get closer to the truth and who you really are when you are relating to others around you with compassion and love.

Lastly, regarding all things body. You gotta want whatever kind of physical activity you are trying to maintain and you gotta want it bad. Shit will get in the way. People hear me. You will have sickness and injury, traffic, and exhaustion, work and family. All of it will come between you and your movement. But get there and do what you can. Remind yourself while you’re in the middle of other things that in an hour or in a few hours, you are going to the gym, or you are going to that spin or yoga class. Keep the conversation about physical activity alive while you are in the middle of the non-active bullshit, we all must entertain. Imagine if all we could do was sweat and lift. Ah…that and a beach.. I am set. But you gotta keep it alive within you. You gotta make working out and connecting to your maximal effort a constant conversation. Once you stop asking for all that you have, it’s almost as if you haven’t respected what you do have. Fitness must come first and that is whatever your movement looks like. We are all in different stages, have different goals, and have different needs. Know and grow yours.

Right, so from the greatest city in the world, ha, I will continue to post these tidbits, videos, factoids, articles —if you will— on the site and my youtube channel. I will continue to believe in what I am doing and gain subscribers.. ha! AND I will have to create a new possibility for traveling beyond this country, but before that, of course is money. I will be hosting some retreats soon, but before that money. The great necessity. We all have to be responsible, even me, who loathes routines, schedules, and the mundane.

I love you, though.

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